Bright Lights, Big City? Or Is It Just Me?

When I told people what city I was about to go see, everyone said I would hate it. Why was everyone so sure I wouldn’t like where we were going for my husband’s conference? The truth is that for a few years this city had been on my wish list of places to see in the US: Las Vegas, the place where everyone says that what happens there, stays there. I wanted to know its secrets. I wanted to see this city in real life since I had only seen it in movies.

But to be honest, by the time the trip was coming up, I was tired enough that if someone had canceled the trip, that would have been okay. Life has had some heaviness lately, and mostly I wanted to crawl into bed. Not only did I not feel like going anywhere, but packing takes me more than a few hours—sometimes a few days. This was one of those trips, especially since I needed to pack conference clothes and free-time clothes, all while keeping in mind the temperatures would range from 70 to 100.

But Vegas! We landed, and boom! there were slot machines in the airport and gigantic screens and music blaring before we had even gotten to baggage claim. I’m big, I’m bold, get ready for the ride, the introduction seemed to say.

Turns out if you want to forget about your own life for a few days, Vegas is not a bad destination. We focused on the conference at first, but finally on day three we took the Monorail to The Strip.

I. Loved. It.

Yes, I said it. I loved that first walk, when we went into Caesar’s Palace and strolled through the casino then made our way to the hallway of the Forum Shops with its artificial, late-afternoon and dusky ceiling lighting, transforming an indoor space into a seemingly outdoor space. I kept having to remind myself that we were inside, which was to be taken to a reality that only partially existed. Have you ever needed that? To be magically transported. I was, that evening.

I liked seeing the gondola rides in The Venetian, eating gelato in the plaza, standing before the ubiquitous Welcome to Las Vegas signs, and later watching the Fountains of Bellagio dance and dance, as if they were humans, choreographed like a chorus line. I even choked up they were so beautiful. The world was moving too fast on The Strip to spend time mulling, which I am prone to do. Maybe most of all, I liked the feeling I got in some of the resorts that hadn’t been updated enough to lose their 80s and 90s sense of style. They somehow brought back a little bit of my youth and the feelings I had then about possibility and hope.

One night we went to the Neon Museum, and the best moments there were when we stood in front of a spectacularly large sign that had been brought back to life—the letters and lighting rendered glorious again.

I don’t need to return to Vegas. Once was enough. But I am grateful for the moments it gave me: eating taquitos with my husband in the Sahara, sharing a milkshake at Johnny Rockets, riding beside him on the Monorail and seeing the new giant Sphere lock its eyeball gaze onto us as if to say, I see you, but are you looking? Life can be a long ride. Better not let it pass you by.


NEW BOOK RELEASED September 26

The Practice of Accepting Things Exactly As They Are

Tree leaves with sunlight shining through

I could tell you this story started in July, when I got a call from someone I love who lives seven hours away.

Or I could tell you this story started last year, on my birthday, when I told myself I’d had enough—that I wasn’t going to let fear stand in my way anymore.

Or I could tell you this story started in December when a friend sent me a quote from Lao Tzu.

Or maybe this story started when I was very young, younger than even I know.

But in July I got a call from someone I love who told me they were going to the ER and wanted me to know. The message was no need to come. But I told my husband, and he asked, “Should we go?” and I said yes. An hour later we were heading onto the highway as evening turned to darkness.

Turns out, we were needed, though no one could have predicted it. The person I love got admitted into the hospital and one day passed into another and another, and I’m not proud to tell you that every one of those days I cried my eyes out wanting to trade what was in that moment to what had been before—as if the “before” was somehow full of a peace and stability that could stave off pain and change. Wasn’t it possible to somehow turn the clock back and keep it there?

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately: what we are asked to give up to make room for the new. Sure, sometimes we want to shed ourselves of the past—goodness knows there have been times in my life when I wanted to hurry myself through a day or circumstance or painful time. Or when I would have gladly handed over a particular failure or weakness and exchanged it for something better. But one of my vulnerabilities has been that I often want things to stay exactly as they are. I’m not good at embracing the changes that come. I am forever yearning for what isn’t, what was, what might have been.

But sometimes change, albeit hard, brings about something better, unseen, not even conceived. I can’t tell you what that will be under these circumstances, but I have been around this block of life to know it’s true. And that there are always blessings in new beginnings if we are open to seeing them.

The person I love got out of the hospital, thank goodness, but I can tell—could tell even then—that a new chapter was about to begin. And didn’t we all want the old chapters? Didn’t we all want to hold onto the past?

Yes, but this is impossible.

Here is the quote my friend Lois sent me from Lao Tzu, and I can’t tell how many times I have thought about this in recent weeks: “If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.”

I move forward now, into a new unknown.

This morning, on my walk, I stared up into the canopy of leaves in the trees. I saw them flutter and bend with the wind, not resisting, always finding the light, no matter how strong the shadow. In this new day, there is so much to discover. I hope I have the wisdom to see it all, not through my fear, but for what it really is.

Photo credit: Rémi Walle


New Book Release: September 2023

 
 

The Destruction of the Lost-Cause Fence

The first time I tried to design one of my book covers was five years ago. I had an idea in my head about what I wanted for 52 Things I Could Have Told Myself When I Was 17, so I made a very terrible mock-up and sent it off to a fantastic graphic designer who was able to take my basic concept and majorly zhuzh it up. Their version made my basic mock-up look pretty kindergarten-y, which, let’s face it, it kind of was. But what did I care? I loved the final cover that the graphic designer created:

 
 

The second time I tried to design—if you can even call it that—one my book covers was three years ago, and I only knew I wanted to use a particular photograph by the incredible photographer Michael Knemeyer. I had seen a photo on his Instagram feed of a brooding sky over an Ohio field and instantly felt sure that the photo accurately captured the overall themes of Trouble Can Be So Beautiful at the Beginning. I begged Michael to let me use the photograph and then sent it to the publisher, who then sent it to their design team, and that design team fiddled and did magic graphic stuff that is way over my head and made a cover I loved. Yay! Mission accomplished:

 
 

This year, for the first time, I began to wonder if I would ever be able to design my own book cover.

I’ve always wished I had talent in the visual arts. For most of my life I have claimed to have so little visual artistic talent that I could barely draw a stick figure.

But lately I’ve been rethinking these claims. I’ve been thinking about how sometimes people tell us what we are capable or incapable of, and we believe them. And sometimes we tell ourselves what we can’t do—without considering that maybe we can.

In 2020, I decided to take a doodling class—something I had never allowed myself before because I always assumed it was a lost cause.

But what if it wasn’t? Can anyone learn to doodle?

I can tell you now, the answer is yes. Maybe everyone can’t doodle well, but yes, anyone can doodle. I was one of those anyones.

That class taught me, more than anything, to simply allow myself to try. It took down that lost-cause fence I had erected and gave me the confidence to play on the page. Since then, I’ve been doing exactly that: playing on paper—with Sharpie fine-line pens and Crayola markers, with brushes and acrylics, with gouache. And while my doodling wouldn’t win awards or sell at an art gallery, it is more than drawing a stick figure.

Which leads me to this: in early spring I came up with an idea in my head for the cover art for my forthcoming book (a poetry collection), Something So Good It Can Never Be Enough: poems. I tried to recreate the cover art on paper with my acrylics. It was pretty miserable—not only was what I created nothing like what was in my head, it was a pretty awful piece of work. A couple of months passed, and I decided to try and find a photograph of the art that was in my head, or at least a photo that approximated it. I succeeded! Another yay!

And then I decided, well, why not try and design the cover myself? So I fiddled and found a font I liked and moved the art and title around and showed my publisher (Kevin Morgan Watson, Press 53), who suggested a white font instead of the gold color, and he told me the dimensions I would need and gave me a few other parameters, and then…I did what I had tried before but never accomplished: I designed my own book cover.

 
 

And you know what the best part is?

I love it.


Photo credit (for the photo I used for the art on my latest book cover): Hatice Yardım